Everyone deals with break-up grief differently. But it seems like throughout every defeat I’ve experienced in my life thus far, the infamous “5 Stages of Loss” have always been extremely applicable. I’m sure you’ve heard about it in songs, movies and TV shows, but incase you haven’t, here is my version of what the 5 6 stages of loss are.
1. Shock
aka the “WHAT THE F**K?” stage.
For me shock is always very short-lived. Often people don’t even consider it a phase at all, considering how insignificant it is compared to the other stages. But I thought I would mention it anyways, just incase. Have you ever noticed that when you injure yourself, it takes a few seconds for the pain to actually kick in? Like when you get a scrape or a cut, there is that moment where you’re staring at the wound, surprised and scared, yet you feel no pain ? This is exactly that. I think shock is every body’s natural way of protecting itself from pain. It is that first moment when you see them with someone else, or when the break up had just happened. Where your jaw drops, and your mind goes blank. The calm before the storm.
2. Denial
aka the “THERE IS NO WAY… just no way that this is happening to us” stage.
This is when you catch yourself thinking “It was never meant to be this way..” “… But we were so perfect together.” And “this is unfair, and just doesn’t make any sense.” To me denial has always been one of the harder stages to surpass. It’s like as if something in your mind just refuses to click. “How?” or more importantly, “Why?” You will naturally try to reject reality, and hope for the best. This is also such a difficult stage because let’s be real : How can you suddenly drop every hope, every thought, and every memory, just like that? Well honestly, you can’t. But you also can’t keep thinking that something might workout, or that this is just a blunder in your relationship. As long as you hold on to that hope and denial, it will be impossible for you to move on.
3. Bargaining
aka the “I will do anything… LITERALLY ANYTHING to fix this” stage.
I feel like bargaining should almost just be grouped into one stage with denial. But most people think that it, itself, plays a large role in grieving. This is the part where you let yourself be the most vulnerable. This is the part where you give it your all. Whether you promise to change who you are and become who they need or who they want you to be… OR whether you’re begging and pleading to give it one more try.. just one LAST try… you know this is your last chance for things to be different. But what you don’t realize… what people never realize… is that they’re just wasting their time. Because if it has already come this far… it means that you don’t have a chance at all. No matter what you do or try, your efforts are completely futile.
4. Anger
aka the “I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU” stage.
Anger always seems to follow denial and bargaining quite closely. I think it’s because when you stop pretending things will work, and stop denying the truth, you finally let yourself feel all the raw emotions that this loss encompasses. And what do you do when you can’t handle it all? You get angry, frustrated, and bitter. “How the f**k could he do this to me? After all we’ve been through? All that I’ve done for him?!” Or maybe you’re angry at yourself. For making the decisions you have, or taking the paths that you did, that lead to your part of the split. Everything that reminds you of him or the breakup just fuels your hate-fire. You want to hit, and smash, and throw, and scream. You want to set fire to things, punch things, yell at things. And just when you feel like you can’t take anymore of it, like you’re about to explode…..
5. Depression
aka the “my whole world is crashing down around me” stage.
You thought denial and anger were the hardest to get through? Oh man, wait til’ you experience this one. This is when you’re tired of screaming, tired of hitting, and tired of denying. This is when it all finally kicks in. You feel the full magnitude of the loss, and you experience pain, suffering, and grief like you never have before. Your chest is heavy, tears are endless, and heart aches inside and out. You can’t breathe, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat. You feel like this is the end of the world as you know it. You can’t bring yourself to do anything except wallow in sadness. And this is where Drake, Sam Smith, and Adele become closer to you than your closest friends. The worst part? There is nothing you can do to rush this stage. All you can do is wait it out, and hope you come out of it alive.
But when you’re nearing the end of this stage, you will realize the truth in Drake’s words :
When a good thing goes bad it’s not the end of the world, it’s just the end of the world that you had with one girl.
Cheesy, I know. But hey… It’s true.
6. Acceptance
aka the “you know what.. this is all for the better, and I’m going to be okay” stage.
It may take you a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months to reach this stage. But when you finally do, it will feel like the biggest breath of fresh air. Most likely you won’t even see it coming. You get so used to feeling sad that surprisingly, you won’t even feel it fade. But one day you will just realize, I’m smiling? I’m laughing? Wait… Am I… Happy? You will finally be able to look back and not feel any resentment and sorrow. You will just feel… okay. Acceptance for me is when I can look behind me, and reflect on everything that has gone wrong, but also everything that has gone right. What made our relationship a good one? What worked? What didn’t work? What went wrong? How can I avoid this in the future? It is when I can finally forgive and forget. Even feel happy for him in whatever (or WHOever) he is pursuing. It is when you finally take it all as a lesson, and move on.
BUT don’t get me wrong… just because you’ve accepted the loss, does not necessarily mean you’re ready to jump to the next “love of your life”. Don’t ever try to trick yourself into thinking you’re ready to be with someone else, when you’re not. Acceptance just means that you are no longer grieving and upset. It just means you’ve come to terms with the truth, and found peace with the situation. If you force yourself into moving on to someone else too quickly, it is easy for you to get hurt again, or hurt someone else. DON’T DO IT GIRL.
To tie it all together, I am leaving, down below, my FEELS playlist. These are songs that pretty much destroy my heart and soul and get me teary eyed in a second. These are my breakup jams. And you know what? AIN’T NO SHAME IN THE GAME. Listen to your sad songs, and CRY. GET IT ALL OUT. You won’t be able to reach stage 6 if you don’t. So go ahead. Do whatever you need to do to feel better.
I hope this helps explain what you’re going through and why. And whatever you’re going through, know that you’re going to be okay. “Everything will always be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”
More soon,
<3