It seems like now-a-days, toxic relationships are a dime a dozen. I don’t know what it is about teenage girls and unhealthy relationships (insecurities? probs.), but hearing from both old friends and new, it seems like a lot of us girls go through some heavy a** sh*t when it comes to relationships.
So what defines a healthy relationship? I am obviously not a love guru, let’s be real. I’m 19, been in 3 serious relationships (that actually took up a good 6 years of my life), so this is purely from MY experiences. It may be applicable to you, or it may not. Who knows. But if it does help, then great ! Blogging, for me, is for sharing knowledge and experiences. So here’s, from me to you, girl to girl, what I consider a healthy relationship
1. A healthy relationship is communication.
A huge part of a good, healthy relationship is open communication. I definitely learned this the hard way. Lack of communication was a big factor as to why most of my previous relationships had ended. Being a very non-confrontational girl, I always had trouble when it comes to speaking my mind (in my relationships). I practically lived by the motto “I’d rather lose a fight, then lose a relationship.” This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but often I would take this saying a little too seriously, and never actually discussed with my partner the things that would upset me. All that ever came out of my mouth was “it’s okay”, “I don’t mind”, “doesn’t matter”, and “I’m fine”. Sound familiar? I would continue this bad habit until one day I would realize… hell, I am NOT fine. Everything that you keep inside will sooner or later snowball into something much bigger than what it would’ve been, if you had just dealt with it in the moment.
Another reason it is important to communicate and talk to your partner is because that’s how you get to know every little nook and cranny about each other. Something else that can happen from a lack of communication is that you can find out later on in the relationship (when emotions finally start to run high), that you guys are incompatible in many ways. If you guys had hashed it out from the start, then maybe you could’ve saved yourself from loads of pain and heartbreak.
2. A healthy relationship means there will be fights.
Every relationship should have fights and arguments. But in moderation of course. I’ve been in a relationship where there was too much fighting, and I’ve been in a relationship where there was none at all. Let me give you the run down on both.
When there is too much fighting, it is not healthy. One of my exes and I constantly fought. We fought, literally, about everything. Short replies? Fight. Attitude? Fight. Don’t want to watch a movie? Fight. Don’t want to eat the same food? Fight. Say too much? Fight. Say too little? Fight. We literally fought about everything. Everything I did seemed to piss him off. And then when I apologized, even though I didn’t think I was in the wrong, he would get more pissed off about me saying sorry for nothing. Nothing seemed to go right for us. Does that seem healthy to you? The answer is obviously not. Yet when you are actually living the situation, you some how end up convincing yourself that this is normal. This is what couples do. We love each other. We belong together. WRONG. Honey, you are so wrong. When it comes down to this point, you either have to sit down and figure out (and I mean really go full Sherlock Holmes on that sh*t) what is wrong in your relationship that is causing all the fighting (because let’s be real… there is no way he could get THAT mad about me not wanting to eat sushi). Or you need to realize that you deserve so much better than all this bickering (and that he does too) and just… well… let it go.
One of my other exes and I actually never fought. I can only remember probably one time in our relationship in which we argued, and I mean truly argued, about anything. We were both the non-confrontational, super chilled-out type, and just plain didn’t like fighting. Whenever we could, which we usually can, we would avoid arguing. So when something came up that would tick us off, we would both stop dead in our tracks and say “let’s not talk about this”, kiss, and continue on with our day. Sounds like a pretty great relationship doesn’t it? Well, it was. That is, until it got to the point where we just weren’t ever talking to each other about what pissed us off. And that, my friend, is SO unhealthy. Tying back to the communication factor, because we never talked about the problems we had with each other, it started building up within us. And we’re all human here, which means that the pent-up frustration, anger, annoyance, or whatever it is, will sooner or later “explode”. And that’s exactly what happened with us. All the repressed negative emotion we felt towards each other finally started seeping out of us, and we started acting more and more hostile towards each other. Until one night we finally talked about what’s been upsetting us, and BAM… suddenly we had all these problems to pick with each other that weren’t there before. And man did that talk hurt. Let me just tell you now, it does not feel good hearing the person you love give you the run down of all the things he dislikes about you. And then soon after that, we just ended up breaking it off. Because what probably would’ve been tiny little bumps in the road, had suddenly turned into this insurmountable obstacle that neither of us knew how to get rid of anymore.
Fighting is perfectly normal in a relationship. It is really just another form of communication and one of the foundational building blocks of your relationship. It will teach you so much about the person you love, that you may not learn any other way, as well as further develop your relationship, bring you guys closer, and ultimately make your bond stronger. And the feeling of getting past a fight, where you can kiss and make up, is pretty great as well. But know the difference between a healthy amount of arguing, and a detrimental amount of arguing. If you are constantly upset with each other, then maybe it’s time for you guys to do some detective work and figure out what really is going on.
3. A healthy relationship is sharing your worlds with each other, not necessarily combining them together.
A big mistake that many couples seem to make, is that once they enter into a relationship, they will start to heavily depend on each other for everything. They will often start to see each other every day, and spend every waking minute together. Don’t take this the wrong way, I loved spending every minute of every day with my ex-boyfriend, when we were dating. But the problem with that is, it makes it way easier for you to pretty much get sick of each other. When you are spending that much time together, it is sometimes inevitable for your relationship to start to dull. A quote that I’ve finally learned to understand and appreciate is “you don’t want to be two halves of a whole, you want to be wholes that make two”. When you’re dating someone, you should still put in the effort to be your own person, and live your own life. I know it’s easy and tempting to fall into that trap, and I know you just want to curl up in a ball next to him all day every day, but DON’T if your relationship matters to you. See your own friends, make plans that don’t include him, workout on your own, if you live together, go home every once in a while and see your family. Make the conscious effort to have a life outside of him. This will benefit you not only in your relationship now, but if (and I only mean IF *knocks on wood*) you guys do end up splitting up one day, you will still have your own life. Because you didn’t combine your life with his completely, you will feel less devastated because you still remember how to be on your own.
4. A healthy relationship means that both of you should feel secure and trusting, not doubtful and insecure.
Something I’ve learned over the years, is that nothing is more of a turn off than a girl who is so burdened by her insecurities that she has no trust for her man. Why girl, WHY? If you don’t trust your man going out with his buddies, or hitting the club sometimes, then why did you get with him in the first place?! Relationships are built on trust, so how could your relationship be healthy if both of you are always doubting one another? Baby girl, he is yours. He’s your man, he comes home to YOU, he thinks about YOU before he goes to bed at night and when he wakes up in the morning… So why you fretting hun? And if the case was, he was carrying out certain actions that make you FEEL insecure.. let him know ! (we’re back at communication again.. told you it’s the building block of relationships). And the same goes, the other way around. If he’s the one feeling insecure, let him know why he shouldn’t ! It’s never a good relationship when one (or both) of you are constantly on each other’s asses, trying to keep them away from this and that. Both of you are adults and should be able to live your own lives while being in a relationship.
Good relationships are like sandwiches. It takes several different layers of different ingredients to make a perfect, delicious sandwich. Everyone also likes their sandwiches a different way ! These may be 4 important aspects to ME, but maybe they won’t be for you. And obviously there are many other aspects that make up a healthy relationship, but these are just the ones that I’ve come to realize, made the most difference in my experiences. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, or how to be, this is purely just some food for thought. Like I’ve said, if this ends up helping you.. Then GREAT ! I’m super glad. And if it doesn’t? Then you’ll find something else that will.
Let me know down below what YOU think makes up a healthy relationship? What aspects am I missing?
Until next time,