Original 2/13/15: 

This post is partially inspired by the Twenties Unscripted post “When I hear that song, I think about you” and partially by experiences in my own life. Reading that post triggered something within me; And oh man, was the feels real for a bit there.

But it’s completely the truth; Something about certain songs and scents will take me back to moments so specific and detailed, that it makes me wonder how and why it could feel so real.

Don’t pretend you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about. There are always those songs or specific lyrics that will bring back everything in you that you thought were long gone. Emotions that were too authentic; Memories that were too unforgettable; A moment in time that was so undeniably sincere and pure that no matter how many times you try to leave it behind, it always comes back to haunt you.

So here’s my version. The songs that stop me dead in my tracks. The exact lyrics that tear my walls apart, for even a split second. Just like Tyece’s post, this isn’t all about one person.

Love of my life, my soul mate. You’re my bestfriend. Part of me, like breathing. Now of half of me is left. 

I’m 15, and you’re 16, and I know we still have the rest of our lives left to live. Yet some how it feels like there’s nothing more to experience past what we have together. You are the world to me. Everything I could’ve ever wanted. You saved me from my dark past and you tell me I brighten up your future. You are not only my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. I only want you, and you only want me. When we’re together, nothing else is important. Not to mention you are literally all my day dreams come true. You kiss me in the rain, you walk me to my front door. You hold me closer than anyone has ever held me before, and probably closer than anyone ever will. We have the brightest future together, unaware that it doesn’t last. Unaware that our decision now will ruin us forever. Will wreck us both in a way that we couldn’t have imagined, even in our worst nightmares.

I tried, you tried, we tried. All of the times that we had together, we should’ve known nothing lasts forever. We went from friends, to something much more. To breaking up, to makin’ up, and fuckin’ once more. But what for? Maybe it’s just the weather. We break each other’s hearts, so maybe it’s for the better. 

We’re sitting in my car now. Neither of us have anything more to say, yet neither of us are willing to let this moment slip. This song comes on and we both instantly tune in. We know what this song means. We know how it will make us feel. Because we both know that we’ve listened to it a million times before, whether together or apart, and instantly thought of each other. It was almost too relevant. We let it play, and we just sit in silence. We bask in the mutual understanding and how deep down memory lane it takes us. But as the song comes to an end, the reminiscing does too. Because we both still know that this will never work.

But I was dealing with the strife and the stress, my money’s been in a mess. Had my doubts about what was coming next. Then I realized that even through all of the hard times, you’ve been by my side. You’re the reason why. 

I’m walking to the bus stop early in the morning, making my way to school. It’s summer, yet I chose to take classes, so every morning I wake up at 7 am, get ready, and rush to get to my 8 am class. This song comes on, and every inch of me starts to solidify. The lyrics almost seem to wind me, and I have to force myself to keep walking, in fear I’ll miss the bus. We shared some moments this summer that I will probably never forget. We aren’t together, but that’s not what matters. The days I got to spend with you; the soft kisses, being in your arms, the careless sweet nothings. Although it still all means nothing at the end of the day, I can’t help but feel glad that I even got to spend a single second with you. It seems unfair that you put me through this. That I am still willing to come to you as soon as you call, and give you everything I have to offer. Knowing that as soon as you walked away from me, we still mean nothing to each other. But I didn’t care. I’m suffering and I don’t care. Because a part of me knows that deep down, no matter how much it hurts, it is all worth it for the minutes I have with you.

Now tell me do I wish too much? Is it cause I kick it and I drink too much. But the truth is I wanna live too much,
and you’re the type of girl I’d like to give too much, till it’s enough. I wish I was somebody special in your eyes. 

There was a time when things between us were perfect. But every relationship goes through it. That perfect phase where it seemed like nothing bad could ever happen to us. To others maybe, but not US. We were infinitely flawless. We never fought, we never argued. Every one agreed we were perfect for each other. Our chill natures seem to fit like puzzle. We agreed on everything. We liked all the same things and understood each other’s weird humour. We would laugh at all the wrong times but it would feel so right because we were laughing together. We were the picture perfect couple. I remember when we first started seeing each other. That drive that we took down to UBC. You would rap and I would sing, and it would be the perfect duet. We seemed like the perfect duet. I remember walking along the beach. We liked beaches a lot. We shared all of our childhood memories along with our hopes and dreams, with each other. You told me things that you said you’ve never told anyone. The more I heard, the harder I fell. You were a dream to me. This being that always seemed to be completely unachievable, yet here I was holding your hand walking next to you. How did I get so lucky? But it seems to me now, that that never lasts. It seems to always come back to this vicious cycle of indecisive rebuttals that lead to mistakes that will haunt us and taunt us; ensuring that we will never have a REAL second chance. Clarifying the once hazy idea that we will never get back together.

PHEWF, I felt like I needed to get that out. If you haven’t read Tyece’s post on Unscripted Twenties, definitely go and check it out. It’s a million times better mine. I was practically crying through the entire thing.

EMOTIONAL. Sorry guys, it had to happen.

Until next time,

Everyone deals with break-up grief differently. But it seems like throughout every defeat I’ve experienced in my life thus far, the infamous “5 Stages of Loss” have always been extremely applicable. I’m sure you’ve heard about it in songs, movies and TV shows, but incase you haven’t, here is my version of what the 5 6 stages of loss are.

1. Shock 

aka the “WHAT THE F**K?” stage.

For me shock is always very short-lived. Often people don’t even consider it a phase at all, considering how insignificant it is compared to the other stages. But I thought I would mention it anyways, just incase. Have you ever noticed that when you injure yourself, it takes a few seconds for the pain to actually kick in? Like when you get a scrape or a cut, there is that moment where you’re staring at the wound, surprised and scared, yet you feel no pain ? This is exactly that. I think shock is every body’s natural way of protecting itself from pain. It is that first moment when you see them with someone else, or when the break up had just happened. Where your jaw drops, and your mind goes blank. The calm before the storm.

2. Denial 

aka the “THERE IS NO WAY… just no way that this is happening to us” stage.

This is when you catch yourself thinking “It was never meant to be this way..” “… But we were so perfect together.” And “this is unfair, and just doesn’t make any sense.” To me denial has always been one of the harder stages to surpass. It’s like as if something in your mind just refuses to click. “How?” or more importantly, “Why?” You will naturally try to reject reality, and hope for the best. This is also such a difficult stage because let’s be real : How can you suddenly drop every hope, every thought, and every memory, just like that? Well honestly, you can’t. But you also can’t keep thinking that something might workout, or that this is just a blunder in your relationship. As long as you hold on to that hope and denial, it will be impossible for you to move on.

3. Bargaining 

aka the “I will do anything… LITERALLY ANYTHING to fix this” stage.

I feel like bargaining should almost just be grouped into one stage with denial. But most people think that it, itself, plays a large role in grieving. This is the part where you let yourself be the most vulnerable. This is the part where you give it your all. Whether you promise to change who you are and become who they need or who they want you to be… OR whether you’re begging and pleading to give it one more try.. just one LAST try… you know this is your last chance for things to be different. But what you don’t realize… what people never realize… is that they’re just wasting their time. Because if it has already come this far… it means that you don’t have a chance at all. No matter what you do or try, your efforts are completely futile.

4. Anger 

aka the “I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU” stage.

Anger always seems to follow denial and bargaining quite closely. I think it’s because when you stop pretending things will work, and stop denying the truth, you finally let yourself feel all the raw emotions that this loss encompasses. And what do you do when you can’t handle it all? You get angry, frustrated, and bitter. “How the f**k could he do this to me? After all we’ve been through? All that I’ve done for him?!” Or maybe you’re angry at yourself. For making the decisions you have, or taking the paths that you did, that lead to your part of the split. Everything that reminds you of him or the breakup just fuels your hate-fire. You want to hit, and smash, and throw, and scream. You want to set fire to things, punch things, yell at things. And just when you feel like you can’t take anymore of it, like you’re about to explode…..

5. Depression 

aka the “my whole world is crashing down around me” stage.

You thought denial and anger were the hardest to get through? Oh man, wait til’ you experience this one. This is when you’re tired of screaming, tired of hitting, and tired of denying. This is when it all finally kicks in. You feel the full magnitude of the loss, and you experience pain, suffering, and grief like you never have before. Your chest is heavy, tears are endless, and heart aches inside and out. You can’t breathe, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat. You feel like this is the end of the world as you know it. You can’t bring yourself to do anything except wallow in sadness. And this is where Drake, Sam Smith, and Adele become closer to you than your closest friends. The worst part? There is nothing you can do to rush this stage. All you can do is wait it out, and hope you come out of it alive.

But when you’re nearing the end of this stage, you will realize the truth in Drake’s words :

When a good thing goes bad it’s not the end of the world, it’s just the end of the world that you had with one girl.

Cheesy, I know. But hey… It’s true.

6. Acceptance 

aka the “you know what.. this is all for the better, and I’m going to be okay” stage.

It may take you a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months to reach this stage. But when you finally do, it will feel like the biggest breath of fresh air. Most likely you won’t even see it coming. You get so used to feeling sad that surprisingly, you won’t even feel it fade. But one day you will just realize, I’m smiling? I’m laughing? Wait… Am I… Happy? You will finally be able to look back and not feel any resentment and sorrow. You will just feel… okay. Acceptance for me is when I can look behind me, and reflect on everything that has gone wrong, but also everything that has gone right. What made our relationship a good one? What worked? What didn’t work? What went wrong? How can I avoid this in the future? It is when I can finally forgive and forget. Even feel happy for him in whatever (or WHOever) he is pursuing. It is when you finally take it all as a lesson, and move on.

BUT don’t get me wrong… just because you’ve accepted the loss, does not necessarily mean you’re ready to jump to the next “love of your life”. Don’t ever try to trick yourself into thinking you’re ready to be with someone else, when you’re not. Acceptance just means that you are no longer grieving and upset. It just means you’ve come to terms with the truth, and found peace with the situation. If you force yourself into moving on to someone else too quickly, it is easy for you to get hurt again, or hurt someone else. DON’T DO IT GIRL.

To tie it all together, I am leaving, down below, my FEELS playlist. These are songs that pretty much destroy my heart and soul and get me teary eyed in a second. These are my breakup jams. And you know what? AIN’T NO SHAME IN THE GAME. Listen to your sad songs, and CRY. GET IT ALL OUT. You won’t be able to reach stage 6 if you don’t. So go ahead. Do whatever you need to do to feel better.

I hope this helps explain what you’re going through and why. And whatever you’re going through, know that you’re going to be okay. “Everything will always be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

More soon,