Update 2/1/2017: So I’m going through my archive of blogs and I stumble across this. Makes me wonder why I never write about personal stuff anymore. This post made me relive these memories loud and clear so I thought I would re-post it. It’s been two years since I took this trip down memory lane and these songs still bring back all the same memories. Wish I had time to be this in-tune with my feelings again. I can proudly say that I’m much happier now than I was back when I wrote this post! And that’s a huge achievement for me. Because although I won’t ever forget the feelings that these memories bring, I’ve since learned to let go. And what a huge sigh of relief that is :).
This post is partially inspired by the Twenties Unscripted post “When I hear that song, I think about you” and partially by experiences in my own life. Reading that post triggered something within me; And oh man, was the feels real for a bit there.
But it’s completely the truth; Something about certain songs and scents will take me back to moments so specific and detailed, that it makes me wonder how and why it could feel so real.
Don’t pretend you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about. There are always those songs or specific lyrics that will bring back everything in you that you thought were long gone. Emotions that were too authentic; Memories that were too unforgettable; A moment in time that was so undeniably sincere and pure that no matter how many times you try to leave it behind, it always comes back to haunt you.
So here’s my version. The songs that stop me dead in my tracks. The exact lyrics that tear my walls apart, for even a split second. Just like Tyece’s post, this isn’t all about one person.
Love of my life, my soul mate. You’re my bestfriend. Part of me, like breathing. Now of half of me is left.
I’m 15, and you’re 16, and I know we still have the rest of our lives left to live. Yet some how it feels like there’s nothing more to experience past what we have together. You are the world to me. Everything I could’ve ever wanted. You saved me from my dark past and you tell me I brighten up your future. You are not only my boyfriend, but my best friend as well. I only want you, and you only want me. When we’re together, nothing else is important. Not to mention you are literally all my day dreams come true. You kiss me in the rain, you walk me to my front door. You hold me closer than anyone has ever held me before, and probably closer than anyone ever will. We have the brightest future together, unaware that it doesn’t last. Unaware that our decision now will ruin us forever. Will wreck us both in a way that we couldn’t have imagined, even in our worst nightmares.
I tried, you tried, we tried. All of the times that we had together, we should’ve known nothing lasts forever. We went from friends, to something much more. To breaking up, to makin’ up, and fuckin’ once more. But what for? Maybe it’s just the weather. We break each other’s hearts, so maybe it’s for the better.
We’re sitting in my car now. Neither of us have anything more to say, yet neither of us are willing to let this moment slip. This song comes on and we both instantly tune in. We know what this song means. We know how it will make us feel. Because we both know that we’ve listened to it a million times before, whether together or apart, and instantly thought of each other. It was almost too relevant. We let it play, and we just sit in silence. We bask in the mutual understanding and how deep down memory lane it takes us. But as the song comes to an end, the reminiscing does too. Because we both still know that this will never work.
But I was dealing with the strife and the stress, my money’s been in a mess. Had my doubts about what was coming next. Then I realized that even through all of the hard times, you’ve been by my side. You’re the reason why.
I’m walking to the bus stop early in the morning, making my way to school. It’s summer, yet I chose to take classes, so every morning I wake up at 7 am, get ready, and rush to get to my 8 am class. This song comes on, and every inch of me starts to solidify. The lyrics almost seem to wind me, and I have to force myself to keep walking, in fear I’ll miss the bus. We shared some moments this summer that I will probably never forget. We aren’t together, but that’s not what matters. The days I got to spend with you; the soft kisses, being in your arms, the careless sweet nothings. Although it still all means nothing at the end of the day, I can’t help but feel glad that I even got to spend a single second with you. It seems unfair that you put me through this. That I am still willing to come to you as soon as you call, and give you everything I have to offer. Knowing that as soon as you walked away from me, we still mean nothing to each other. But I didn’t care. I’m suffering and I don’t care. Because a part of me knows that deep down, no matter how much it hurts, it is all worth it for the minutes I have with you.
Now tell me do I wish too much? Is it cause I kick it and I drink too much. But the truth is I wanna live too much,
and you’re the type of girl I’d like to give too much, till it’s enough. I wish I was somebody special in your eyes.
There was a time when things between us were perfect. But every relationship goes through it. That perfect phase where it seemed like nothing bad could ever happen to us. To others maybe, but not US. We were infinitely flawless. We never fought, we never argued. Every one agreed we were perfect for each other. Our chill natures seem to fit like puzzle. We agreed on everything. We liked all the same things and understood each other’s weird humour. We would laugh at all the wrong times but it would feel so right because we were laughing together. We were the picture perfect couple. I remember when we first started seeing each other. That drive that we took down to UBC. You would rap and I would sing, and it would be the perfect duet. We seemed like the perfect duet. I remember walking along the beach. We liked beaches a lot. We shared all of our childhood memories along with our hopes and dreams, with each other. You told me things that you said you’ve never told anyone. The more I heard, the harder I fell. You were a dream to me. This being that always seemed to be completely unachievable, yet here I was holding your hand walking next to you. How did I get so lucky? But it seems to me now, that that never lasts. It seems to always come back to this vicious cycle of indecisive rebuttals that lead to mistakes that will haunt us and taunt us; ensuring that we will never have a REAL second chance. Clarifying the once hazy idea that we will never get back together.
PHEWF, I felt like I needed to get that out. If you haven’t read Tyece’s post on Unscripted Twenties, definitely go and check it out. It’s a million times better mine. I was practically crying through the entire thing.
EMOTIONAL. Sorry guys, it had to happen.
Until next time,
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I love this so much.